10 TEENAGE CLICHÉS

(This list contains ill-disguised humor, and copious amounts of sarcasm. You have been warned.)

1. The teenage boy types www.facebook.com into the browser of his school’s public computer, only to find that one of his other male friends is already logged in. He smiles smugly to himself, and clicks on the ‘update status’ button- ‘I’m gay’ he types in, and laughs maniacally to himself. It’s the greatest hack in the history of the human race, and everyone in the class erupts into laughter. 

2. A fifteen year old guy logs onto a social networking site, scrolling through the front page, checking the pictures other people have posted. Disgusted, he begins to type- ‘GIRLS! Have some respect; cover yourselves when you post something on the internet! This is facebook, not the-rest-of-your-body book!’ Everyone applauds him for his chaste, chivalrous ways. He goes on to become the next male Taylor Swift, teaching young girls that they’re only allowed to be blonde, and rude to other girls for a guy's attention.

 3. Justin Bieber? HAH, more like JUSTINE Beiber! You see, I made a hilarious joke because an eighteen year old boy once upon a time did not fit into the patriarchal definition of masculinity, and should therefore be considered a woman- because women are awful, obviously.

4. ‘Ppl who type lyk dis need to get off the internet and die!’ says the thirteen year old boy, smirking to himself as he thinks of the millions of social networking site users that have not yet learnt to type the way he would like them to. Suddenly, a beam of light shoots out from the sky, and Kurt Vonnegut descends down to Earth, caressing his face in both his hands. ‘Congratulations,’ he says. ‘You’ve done it. Bad grammar is over.’

5. ‘I’m not mean,’ says the girl who insults other people for the sake of mindless entertainment, rips apart everything a girl does because it does not fit into the values she has been brought up on, and judges anyway who decides to not go with the flow. ‘I’m REAL.’

6. ‘Women, you don’t need a man to feel good about yourselves! You are all beautiful, no matter what!’ A boy says, patting himself on the back for his selfless ways. Thank you son, you’ve done it! Sexism is over!

7. ‘But you’re not allowed to like THAT character! He’s evil!’ Well, now I know! I fall into a pit of despair, realizing that my evil, malevolent ways must be diminished, and I too, should only like characters in books and movies that are kind hearted, caring, and most of all acceptable in the eyes of my peers. Remember- no people deserve second chances, not even the fictional ones.

8. ‘LOL, if my boyfriend looked like Chris Brown, I’d let him hit me any day!’ The teenage girl tweets, giggling to herself, imagining Chris Brown’s smarmy smile. All the women in the world who have been raped, beaten, humiliated, or subjected to domestic violence no longer feel pain, because hark; a teenage girl has told them how girls should behave when a man beats the living daylights out of them.

9. The high school kid uploads a picture of himself, and types out a caption: ‘photo credits: [insert name of friend here]. Everyone gasps as they stare at the grainy picture that has been edited on an online photo editing website- what beauty! What art! Surely, this fifteen year old girl who took a picture of her best friend pouting will go on to become the next Annie Lebowitz!

10. YOLO, says the teenage boy. He’s right- we really do only live once, and instead of taking that as a sure sign that wearing your seatbelt when sitting in a car that is driving down the highway is important, the boy proceeds to go to a party where cigarette smoke is blown into unassuming faces and girls are insulted in the mask of compliments.

And with that, I conclude this list. As many profile picture captions have said before- ‘haters gonna hate’.

And indeed, they do seem to continue.

By: Sarah Quraishi